how to be a writer without writing anything

Drink Espresso — This communicates that you have been to Europe like all the other writers.

Carry Books — Let people see you with books. You must possess a tactile affection for them. You must love the way they feel. The way they smell. This goes along with the next point.

Spend Unhealthy Amounts of Time Alone — Get in touch with your existential angst. This will help you make proper conversation with others.

Say Strange Things — Work with metaphors. Compare someone’s voice to red Crayola. Let people wonder if you take drugs but know deep down that you simply have a special relationship with language.

Be Sensitive — Point to something unremarkable near you, and state that it is powerfully beautiful.

Have an Addiction — For example, binge drinking shows that you have demons you must drown (the ones that compel you to write). Smoking means you contemplate death a lot. Addictive behaviors convey that you have much to write about.

Love Someone You Can’t Be With — Unrequited love will make you feel like a piece of shit, but it also makes you a verifiable romantic. This is important in order to make it believable that you write bleeding-heart poetry or even Italian arias.

Get Metaphysical — Do rituals to connect with infinity. People might assume that you are trying to write.